Best Bill Brasky Quotes

So anyway, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.

Bill Brasky is an eight foot two ton monster who can palm a medicine ball.

His favorite TV movie is The Boy In The Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta

You know he sheds his skin once a year.

One time I asked Brasky to dress up as Santa for a Christmas party I was having for my children. Anyway, Brasky shows up as Santa, says I’ve got goodies for you kids. He reaches into his bag and proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says There’s no Santa cause I ate him!

Ya know, he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansberry.

“Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!”

“Brasky’s semen can form into a liquid human – like the guy from ‘Terminator 2′”

“They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep.”

“Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would’ve happened sometime.”

“Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, ‘All in all, I prefer gin.'”

“Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack…a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese.”

“Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady.”

“Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16-ounce steak. The afterbirth was sauteed mushrooms.”

“Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of ‘The King and I’? On opening night, Brasky chloroformed the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.”

“He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was coming up the road.”

“I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.”

“He hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! And he hated irony!”

 Ya know, it was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.

“He taught me how to love a woman — and how to scold a child.”