Best Jim Lahey Quotes

He who looks into the abyss realizes that there’s nothin’ lookin’ back at him and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, Bud. The abyss. The Sh*t-Abyss. 

I’m mowin’ the air, Rand!

 I got, $100 here for groceries. I got, $1,400 here for liquor. And I got $6,000 to bail out a couple of sh*tpuppets.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. Sh*t clocks tickin’, Rick

Lim Jahey, pleased to meet ya, bud.

This old Sh*tfisher took his bagpipes down to the river and he played his pipes in hopes that the sh*tfish would rise up out of the water. But not one sh*tfish rose, Julian. So he took a sh*tnet and threw it in the river and, lo, soon he drew it forth filled with sh*tfish. Then he took his bagpipes and then he played them again and all the sh*tfish jumped up in the sh*tnet. ‘Oh, you dance now when I play,’ said the Sh*tfisher. And then the little old sh*tfish spoke up in the end and he said, ‘when you’re in a man’s power, you must do as he bids you.’ Sh*tnets, Julian, and Sh*tpower.

The old sh*tliner is coming to port and I’ll be there to tie her up.

I’m invoking Liquor Measures Act of 1944 signed by Dwight D. Eisenhower and Jack Daniels. We’re takin’ this up a notch.

Why don’t you get a life, Rick? Why don’t you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach Living In A Car and Growing Dope 101!

Ah sh*t, f*cked her, bud. Let’s go down and see what Liquor we can salvage. Want to get drunk tonight, Rand?

 I say we pour out a stiff one and head to church, boy.

“The liquor’s calling the shots now, Randy.”

“You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs? It measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.”

“I’m sober enough to know what I’m doing, and drunk enough to really enjoy it.”

“You don’t cross my shit line, I don’t cross your shit line. When he told everyone I was drinking again, he crossed the g****** shit line.”

“You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs? It measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.”

“Randy, I’ve decided to lay off the food for a bit, and go on the booze.”

“The liquor will do the driving, then we’ll just kick back on booze control.”

 “Feelin’ a little sluggish, think I need a snap of the white liquor.”

“Randy, do I ask you to start listening to ‘Stop Eating Cheeseburger’ tapes now?”

“These things have a way of working themselves out. I’m gonna let the liquor do the thinking.”

“Just one more little drinky-poo.”

Basically every phrase that included the word “shit,” like shit hawks, shit moths, and shit blizzards.