Schmidt is a character in the show New Girl, played by Max Greenfield. Schmidt is known for his funny one-liners and his lovable arrogance. In this article, we have a comprehensive list of the best Schmidt quotes that will interest you.
About Schmidt
Schmidt is one of the 4D housemates; he fancies himself “the top dog” and is in charge of the loft. He prefers to undertake all the interior design, cooking and cleaning to his specifications.
He is also highly worried about his looks; he has a binder of images of himself modeling his own clothes and has an extensive collection of hair products.
Schmidt makes references to his Jewish origins throughout the play. He is a Sagittarius, which he frequently mentions while characterizing specific aspects of his personality.
Schmidt was overweight throughout his childhood and undergraduate years. While he has since lost the weight and gained muscle tone, it is still emotionally scarring for him.
Best Schmidt Quotes New Girl
1. “The on-suite is on fleek.” 44. “My whole life is you.”
2. “On paper, we’re as ugly as Winston’s belly button ring.”
3. “You ain’t ready for the California kid.”
4. “There are plenty of things to be down about. Air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn’t very good. If I wanted to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would have gone to Koreatown.”
5. “It’s like you’re ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga! I’m totally falling apart!”
6. “It makes me angry and scared all at the same time. Just like when I hear the phrase, ‘Academy Award winner Anna Paquin.’”
7. “You’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen. What decade are we in?”
8. “I’m not being overdramatic when I say I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack.”
9. “It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. Are you ok? Yeah. Are you ok? Yeah!”
10. “I’m gonna go take a shower with Nick’s bar of soap like a common ranch hand.”
11. “I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded e-mail to my florist.”
12. “I don’t have sperms. I have tadpoles… of the gods.”
13. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go water my succulents.”
14. “Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up.”
15. “Now, as my best friend, I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment’s notice including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity.”
16. “The economy sucks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.”
17. “Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.”
18. “Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings? How do you get anything done?”
19. “Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons… I’m not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.”
Schmidt Famous Quotes
20. “She has a flip phone, Jess. She’s either poor or a time traveler.”
21. “Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a slippery germ brick?”
22. Nick: “Of course we make decisions. How do you think I’m wearing clothes right now?” Schmidt: “I lay those out for you Nick.”
23. ”I look like a ’70s divorce attorney.”
24. “I simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you.”
25. “Today it’s gas, tomorrow it’s the local news.”
26. “She lulled me to sleep and then she went rogue.”
27. “You show up sick, you might as well be dead.”
28. Nick: “What does a man do about that pain?”
Schmidt: “Takes a bubble bath.”
29. “Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!”
30. “I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.”
31. “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.”
32. “I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night.’”
33. “Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this prison?”
34. “Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: Shut up!”
35. “Is this a freakin’ carob chip? What, are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate?! Ya idiot.”
36. “Back in high school, they used to call me ‘the sex haver.’”
37. “Let’s just say that my cousin doesn’t have the most sophisticated palate. Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota. He actually went to juvie for stealing the synagogue’s minivan.”
38. “Where do you even buy sheets like this? They have the thread count of a paper towel.”
39. “They don’t hate me because I’m old, they hate me because of my personality.”
40. “Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.”
41. “Outliers — you should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It’s one of my desert island books, along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries.”
42. “Know this. Your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and Paxil.”
43. “Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?”
44. “I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, OK? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’”
45. “Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’
46. “Walk with dignity, you giant toddler!”
47. “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!”
48. “You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a va-genius.”
49. “Can I take a moment to celebrate me?”
50. “When Nick leaves, I’m gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works.”
51. “Man to man, you didn’t wanna wear something, I dunno, a little more form-flattering? You know, like a pile of towels? The number eight?”
52. “Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!”
53. “Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.”
54. “Well, you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what? You’ve pressed it.”
55. “Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.”
56. “Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!”
57. “I get that. Your business is selling sex. You’re a sex worker.”
58. “We’re broenemies. He’s my fremesis.”
59. “Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.”
60. “I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded email to my florist.”
61. “There are plenty of things to be down about: air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn’t very good. If I wanted to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would have gone to Koreatown.”
62. “I’m gonna have to run all the way home and I have my slipperiest loafers on.
63. “Know this: you’re not the only one that’s hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now and I have a broken penis. Don’t pretend to know my pain.”
64. “Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape.”
65. “Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him, and then dazzle him to the point that we’re each other’s last call before bed.”
Conclusion
In conclusion, these were some of the best Schmidt quotes. He is a character that is full of one-liners and wise sayings. He is always the voice of reason on New Girl and his quotes reflect that. Schmidt is a character that everyone can relate to in some way and his quotes resonate with many people.
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